a reminder to myself

The bad news is, everything is temporary. But the good news is, everything is temporary.

If you saw the message in my Substack thread earlier, this isn’t the post I was referring to when I said I started something yesterday. I’m still working on that one! This one actually came to me about 15 minutes ago, and I blitzed through. It’s much more personal—a note to myself, really. I was typing this to get some thoughts off my chest. It feels weird to be this vulnerable and share it. Maybe I shouldn’t be sharing this? But I want nothing more than others to find solace. Because we need more of that. I hope you enjoy it, but mostly, I hope you are doing well

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I feel as though I have gone back 10 years to when the downfall of my mental health really hit me. One that led to a miserable two years and lasted my duration of college. Leading me to therapy for the first time. How do I know this? Because the signs are there, staying up ridiculously late, putting off going to sleep like I am a sleep-regressed baby. However, I have no reason to reclaim that time because it’s not like I have a job that takes away the time in my day. It feels like this is a constant cycle of where I go through dips, some smaller than others, but this one feels big. The kind that, if you were to drive over in a car, would make your stomach turn and send butterflies soaring. 

I am trying so desperately, and yet I feel I am not trying enough. Am I sad because my days are too empty and I don’t have a job? Or am I just sad and scared of getting a job that is going to make that worse? The idea of being stuck in a routine that is so boring and repetitive terrifies me. But I feel I am already halfway there. Even sans the employment. The other irony is that routine also helps me. It’s a fine line of finding something that is productive and not destructive. 

I have all these ‘plans’, yet I don’t do anything to progress in executing any of them. Am I just not driven? Am I lazy? It’s like I have a ball and chain to my ankle, trying to get up and move. Or one of those dreams where you are being chased but you aren’t running fast enough, or sometimes, running with an umbrella when the wind is pushing against you. That’s enough analogy, right? 

Is this all I am good at? Playing the ‘woe is me’ card? Only ever having a bad thing to say? I don’t want to be that person. It often makes me wonder what people would say about me when I die. What would people say? She lit up every room she walked into? Doubtful. She always had a good thing to say? Probably not. 

In my right mind, I know this is just a temporary feeling. And, like many times, I have gotten through it. But it doesn’t feel like that at the moment. Often thinking, Oh god, this is the one, the time you will never crawl back to safety from. Safety from your own mind. But it comes back around. It always does. Sometimes, it just takes a little longer, but it’s okay because the good news is everything is temporary. Even that bad feeling.

So, when you do come back around. Give yourself some grace. You are your one constant, the one who will always be there during good times and bad. Cut yourself some slack because you are doing amazing. And when you come out of the storm that has been brewing within you, dry yourself off and warm up again.